


Maladicta

by Exposition_Emporium



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 20:18:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16583420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exposition_Emporium/pseuds/Exposition_Emporium
Summary: Character study of Ben Solo's childhood, based on my head canon.   Previously published on my Tumblr account as "The Darkness and the Words."





	Maladicta

First he was alone and when he was ready to reached beyond himself, there was Mother. His world was warm and she was light. She gave him everything he needed, and he could feel her always, even when he slept.

And then came the Darkness. It pricked at him and he didn’t know how to chase it way. 

She would call to him when the Darkness came. “Hush, my little angel.” She was always with him. 

He could hear her voice and could feel her soothing presence when he was afraid. 

Then, he was born. Mother wasn’t always there. 

When his world was wrong, Mother could calm him with a sound or a song or a touch. She knew when he needed a cuddle, or a change, a nap or just to be near her. He could see the brightness of her with his entire self, not just his eyes and ears. She was the center of his world. 

Father was strong, but he wasn’t Mother. His touch was gentle, and a bit unsure. He was colorful, rather than bright. He liked the thumping of Father’s heart beating under him as he lay on his Father’s chest. It lulled him to sleep when nothing else could. 

The Darkness came, again and again. It burned in his little mind, until Mother came and covered him with her brightness like a blanket of light, snuffing out the heat and the pain. 

There were times when he cried for her, but she didn’t come. The metal one was there or Father or some other soft one but not Mother. 

And then there would be no one to drive away the Darkness. 

He could feel darkness and light and it came from everywhere. At the homes of others, in the halls of the Senate when Mother showed him off to her friends, in the sunlight of the garden when they brought him out in the air, there were so many Things, with so many colors, light and dark. They fascinated and scared him. 

The Darkness knew when he was scared. The flame would push hotter charring his mind, until something bright drove it away. 

Sometimes, the Darkness didn’t come, for hours, or days, or even weeks. He never knew why. He would believe that everything was going to be fine, that it had gone away forever. But it always returned. 

He could feel the worry of his parents. Mother’s brightness would be striped through with distress, Father’s colors dimmed. He felt their love, but they couldn’t fix the Darkness. 

They didn’t understand him. Why did he need Mother so much? Father couldn’t understand the Darkness, but neither could Mother. 

They knew their child, their Boy, their Ben was special, but they hadn’t accepted that special meant different. Good and Bad. Darkness and light. 

Mother worried that she couldn’t give him what he needed. So much relied on her already, and he didn’t understand why he had to share. The Darkness now had Words. Dark words, full of anger and fear and power. Mother belonged to him. Why should he share? 

He grew. And he was 2. He could walk and talk, but no one understood when he told them about the Darkness and the Words. 

Then the Darkness and the Words brought the Dreaming. 

Sleep would come, but then the dreams containing the Darkness and the Words, and visions of other places, of other beings filled his mind with terrors he couldn’t explain. 

His innocent mind didn’t have words for the horrors he saw in his dreams. Words like evil, hatred and power. 

He’d wake screaming, shaking. His parents would rush to him, but there would be nothing for them to fight, nothing for them to fix. They were helpless, and that scared Ben more. How could the most powerful beings in the galaxy be helpless? If they couldn’t fix it, who could? 

He no longer wanted to sleep, to nap, to doze, because when he closed his eyes, the Dreaming returned. 

Just when he thought he could take it no more, the Dreaming faded. 

Then the Darkness and the Words changed. 

How wonderful he would be if he just did what the words told him. 

He didn’t need Mother or Father or Uncle or anyone. He was so strong, so smart, so brave. 

They couldn’t help him. He must help himself. 

The Darkness and the Words showed him how helpless they were. 

When he didn’t do what the Darkness and the Words expected of him, the Dreaming would return. 

It was about then that he discovered the connection. He could feel every living thing around him. At times, it was overwhelming. A nest of stingers? A flock of birds? Little amphibians at the bottom of the mud in the great Pond behind the garden? A crowd of Senators with agendas and feelings and motives? A gathering of holiday-goers celebrating his birthday (which he shared, by chance, with the anniversary of the end of the Empire.) 

It was overwhelming and he would cry. Father couldn’t understand why a big boy would cry like that. It’s just a bug. It won’t hurt you. 

No, Father, it is hurt. Help it. 

If he gathered his feelings just right, things would . . . move. Or he could convince the soft one (not the metal one – although that one could be broken) to give him what he wanted. 

Mother and Father grew more concerned. 

Look, said the Darkness and the Words, see how afraid they are! The fear of others is powerful. You must use it to get what you need. 

He was four, and Father wanted to take him on his first flight. 

Terror! Mother is sending him away! 

Father reassures him – hey, kid, you’re going to love this! 

He’s not so sure. And then the engines rev up. And the door closes. 

And the fearful child is a new boy as the ship lifts off. 

How much joy could be compressed into one tiny body? Unka Chewie lets him take the yoke as his Father looks on. 

Marvelous! 

And best of all, the Darkness and the Words disappears when they travelled between the stars. Peace at last, restful sleep. Nothing would ever be better than to be a pilot, and fly like his father where there was nothing but silent stars and the purr of the hyperdrive. 

Father’s colors are bright again. Ben clutches a pair of shiny dice, will not be separated from them. He tells everyone about the Mawenium Fawkun, and how he wants to be a pilot like Da one day. 

Everything is sunny. He loves to play in the garden. He loves the tellala birds, and he pokes gently at the micronettes until they crawl on his finger. The other children play around him, throwing balls to one another, playing tag games. Ben draws scary pictures in the dirt. He yells at them when they chase the little rodents that make their nests in the trees. The other parents don’t want their children to be around Ben. That’s okay with Ben, he prefers to be alone, or with adults. 

And then Uncle Luke comes to Chandrila to see him, bringing with him a small group of friends. 

Uncle Luke and his friends can move things, too! 

Uncle Luke is bright, like Mama. He carries a brilliant green light sword, and Ben wants one, too. Uncle Luke tells him he can have his own light sword, but he’s going to have to earn it. 

The Darkness and the Words agree. A light sword would be the best. He should train hard. 

The Dreams come, but they are good dreams, full of flying ships and sword fights and power. 

Ben learns as much as he can. The dreams guide him, shaping his muscles as he sleeps. He applies the muscle memory in practice for hours every day. He grows lean, strong and tall. He learns all he can about Uncle Luke and the Jedi. 

When he is 8, the Darkness and the Words tell him that his parents are ashamed of him. He has such a glorious skill, why do they hide it? They must hate him. Ben is torn. 

He knows they love him, but he wonders. Why must his power be a secret? 

One day, when Ben is 9, a man comes and tried to take Ben away from Elsie as they were walking from school to Mother’s office in the Senate. He grabbed Ben by the arm, twisting it painfully. This made Ben very angry. Ben hit the man with his hand, and the man flew away backward. Another man was waiting and hit Ben in the face. Ben grabbed a stick and pummeled the man until he bled. Elsie the droid could not get him to stop. The civil protection force arrived, and Ben allowed them to take the men away. Everyone saw what Ben did. Ben is afraid he’ll get punished, but Mama and Da are so happy that he is safe. He feels powerful. 

See? Says the Darkness and the Words, your anger made them stop. What other great things will you do? 

A week later, Uncle Luke came back. 

Mother explained that because of who she was, he would be surrounded by those who wanted her to do things. Some would ask nicely, some would trick him. Some would try to hurt him. Uncle Luke can teach you how to be a Jedi, and no one will be able to hurt you again. 

He feels that there is more to that – “Or be hurt by you,” is unspoken. 

But he hurts more than ever. They’re sending him away. They were angry with him after all. 

But Uncle Luke is kind. He can fly just like Da and lets Ben fly on the way to his new school, this Jedi Academy. He shows him how to program the hyperdrive, and how to set the shields, and how the inertial compensators work. He even lets him fire the blasters at meteors while they are in space. 

It’s not so bad. Until the other children arrive. They're scrappy survivors, who look at him as if he were some kind of spoiled prince. 

Ben gets his own room, even though the other children live in dormitories. It lets him sleep at night, less bothered by the terrifying dreams they can't hide. 

They don’t trust him. He’s not one of them. He is Master Luke’s favorite. 

It will be years before he earns their trust and acceptance. But the Darkness and the Words don’t care. They continue to whisper in his ears.


End file.
